Day 12: The Worst is Yet to Come!

I feel the worst kind of loss is the kind when the person is not actually gone. When they are still there; in your life. You see them–on occasion.. daily. The loss is not their absence from your life. Rather the loss grows from the disintegration of connection. The loss comes from learning to unknow someone. Learning to walk by the person who you used to confide–the person who knows everything about you, the person who you know everything about–like you have never seen them before in your entire life. Just another face in a crowded hall during passing period. Another name popping up on your newsfeed on Facebook. No history, no loss, no pain. But you don't really realize the loss until you look back at those old photos, the birthday cards, the videos; the moments. When every memory is heightened–in your senses and in your heart–that it feels like that those moments are still as close as yesterday. It's when you look at these things and you realize that something–time or life or you–got in the way of ever going back to that time. That this time is different from any other rough patch you have gone through with this person. But the pain doesn't come until you understand that what was, is not and can longer be what is. And when you are too afraid–too afraid of to say the unsettling words that break the silence, too afraid to even say "Hi"–you have let them go for good. You just let them slip away, even though it is not what you wanted. That's when you know you have lost someone. When the thought of ever reconciling the connection is too unthinkable. That, I know all too well, is loss. There was once a line I heard on TV that I always remember when things have gone terribly wrong. It was "some things are just worth fighting for". I can't remember where its from or who said it, but I always have that stuck in the back of my head when I feel as though I should give up, move on, let go. Let go. I have a hard time letting go. And somethings, I just can't let go. Even after time or life or me has gotten in the way, and even though I am afraid, I'll speak the unsettling words. And even if in vain, at least I'll know I did everything I could to fight for it. Fight for that friendship we once had. I'll fight for you.

"It's always darkest before the dawn"

Overalls: Anthropology 

There is a line by one of my favorite contemporary authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, that I feel best describes the past–give or take–fourteen months. It was a line from her famous book, Eat Pray Love, in which she quotes her own friend who said often times, "things get a whole lot worse before they get worse". It feels as though that line sums up these past months in a nutshell. I have grown though, and I've lost, cried, lied, and wanted to die. And now I just feel like a terrible country-western song. And keep thinking that things are going to turn around, they just have to, something's going to change, it's going to get better. And in my defense, what else can I think? I would like to think I've hit an all-time low recently–or at least I hope. I have a good friend who would always tell me "Cheer up! The worst is yet to come!" At this point–now–I truly hope that "the worst" has finally come. That I–Sisyphus–have rolled my rock down to the very bottom. And now, there is no where else to go, but up. (Until, of course, the rock rolls down again.) Today's outfit was probably one of the most minimalistic pieces I have put together. All I wore was my pair of overalls. That's all. No shirt, nothing with it. And I did this, I think, to symbolize what I wanted today–a simple, fresh start... again. A new beginning. With my heart still maimed from my broken dreams, I wanted to wear something freeing and exposing to let every part of my body feel open. Open to the sun, to the world, to a new chance. Also, there is something very comforting about a pair of overalls. Something very simplistic and wholesome.. its hard to describe. But when I wear my overalls, I always feel at home.

Things will turn around for me. I know it. At this point it is all a matter of time. Something big is coming for me. After all, "it's alway darkest before the dawn". - Florence and the Machine