Day 31: The Time that the Heart Keeps

Sometimes I panic. Sometimes, on days like today when I'm sick and there is nothing more to do than lie down and think until thinking eventually turns into sleeping, I panic. I panic because a sudden realization sweeps over me, like a heat wave. And I feel as though an hourglass has been placed before my eyes and I watch the sand fall through to the bottom, grain by grain, until there is no more, nothing more to fall. I panic because I fear that my life is not what I wanted it to be and I worry that each day that passes is another grain of sand that ultimately leads to nothing–and no more. I panic because. And because is caused by the inability to make sense of everything that exists. Like the difference between time and change or fear and intuition, moments and memories, letting go and forgetting. And above all, the inability to understand the discrepancy between what is happening and what is supposed to happen. What, in all this mess, is in my control? And when does the heart ever learn to keep rhythm with time? Time it seems has two variations. There is the time that passes according to the world–the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, etc. And then there is the time that the heart keeps. And that "time" is impossible measure in seconds, minutes, hours, or days. The time that the heart keeps is measured only in moments. Moments that pass quickly or slowly, stop and resume without any consideration of the changing world. Rather, time does not pass through the heart. The heart, it seems, holds onto a specific time that it cannot bear to part with. And it is the time that the heart keeps that we can loose ourselves in. It is the "time" that makes us loose sight of the world. Time, relative to the world, shows that a year has past.What has changed–reality has changed. People have changed, my future has changed, I have changed. What hasn't changed–the past hasn't changed, my memories haven't changed. And I have not changed. My heart remains, in a day, an hour, a minute, a moment in space that once existed, but is no more. And as time according to the world progresses, the days, the weeks, the months that pass, the memories that my heart holds fade. I see only fragmented images of what was, muted words that loose their potency each time I replay them in my mind. And my heart, the hopeless dreamer, can never cease to let go of those moments. It can never just let time pass. 

No illness shall prevail!

Sweater: Studio 1220, Pants: Mom's, my bunny, Bella

So today I woke up feeling miserable. I am assuming I picked up some sort of illness at Coachella this weekend. I couldn't get up, didn't go to school, didn't go to rehearsal, didn't go anywhere for that matter and I almost didn't post something today. But you all are in luck as my OCD cannot bear to leave one single day unnaked. Today's post is a "Sick Day" outfit that I put together: a comfortable sweater and yoga pants. It's perfect because it gives you that effortless relaxed look. And sometimes it seems that all you need to make you feel just a little bit better is a good outfit that makes you feel better about yourself. So next time you're feeling depressed or sick or just.. not right, try to wear something that makes you feel good about yourself. You'll be surprised how different you may feel.